Only a Top Hat
by LunarLight2005
Summary: Yuko has an interesting job for Watanuki and Domeki... but what exactly does a top hat have to do with it? And are those dogs... stripping?


Disclaimer: We do not own any characters from xxxHolic. We also don't own any drugs.. Really. We weren't high when we wrote this.

* * *

Watanuki had made chocolate for Himawari-chan. Watanuki had made the BEST chocolate for Himawari-chan...

...and Domeki had eaten every last drop.

"How could this day possibly get any worse?" Watanuki asked himself, his hands flying dramatically over his eyes, "Damn you Domeki!"

Domeki, in his usual fashion, placed his hands over his ears in order to keep out the incessant screech of his companion.

"Are you even listening to me?" Watanuki asked angrily.

"Ah, that's so cute!" Himawari-chan commented, "You made Domeki-kun chocolate! You two really are the best of friends!"

"No!" Watanuki's reaction was instantaneous, "You've got it all wrong!"

Himawari-chan, lost in her own fantasy, ignored Watanuki's outburst and continued in a sing-song voice, "I'm sure you'll always be the best of friends! Even when I'm dust in the grave, your friendship will live on!"

"NOOOO!" Watanuki yelled spastically, "Don't leave me, Himawari-chan!"

Domeki, never once daring to remove his hands from his ears, casually asked, "Do you always have to be so loud?"

"It's your fault!" was Watanuki's reply, "It's always your fault!"

"How exactly is you yelling at the top of your lungs, my fault?"

"It doesn't matter! It's always your fault!"

"Ah, a lover's spat!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

* * *

"Watanuki, is something wrong?"

Watanuki looked up from his task in surprise. "Well, yeah... how could you tell?"

Yuko's face was thoughtful as she replied, "This food tastes absolutely awful!"

His temper once again overcoming him, Watanuki yelled, "Is that all you care about? Food?"

"Of course not," Yuko replied, looking insulted.

Watanuki waited a moment for her to continue.

"Good sake is an integral part of my life, you know..."

Watanuki promptly collapsed on the ground, a hand twitching at his side.

"Oh, don't be so dramatic," Yuko commented, sipping at her tea, "Besides, I have a job for you, and I need you to be..." her face turned predatory, "In your best physical condition."

A suspicious glare immediately found its way onto Watanuki's face, "What do you mean?" he asked, picking himself up off the floor.

"Nothing!" Yuko smiled happily, "I just always want my employees in the best health!" she laughed, a hand resting at her mouth.

He whispered under his breath, "I don't trust you..."

"Ah, well, if you just want to work off your debt in another, _slower_ fashion..."

"OK, OK!" Watanuki replied, "What do I have to do?"

"Well, first, we need to go visit a friend," Yuko replied.

"Who?" he cocked his head to the side.

"Ah, someone you hold very close to your heart..." she winked, a gentle hand cradling her face.

* * *

"I do not hold this jerk close to my heart!" Watanuki protested loudly.

"Quiet, Watanuki," Yuko commanded, "We're at a shrine, show some respect."

Watanuki promptly recoiled, grumbling under his breath.

A large figure opened the door, "I heard shouting. I assumed the idiot had showed up."

"Damn it, I'm not an idiot!" Watanuki shrieked, making his angry face and pushing his way past the looming figure, "You're just a jerk!"

Yuko smiled as she followed Watanuki inside, "He's really quite fond of you, Domeki-kun."

Domeki smirked, "You know everything, don't you?"

"Why, yes, I do..." Yuko smiled, "And I just happen to know how you feel in return."

Domeki looked alarmed.

"But we'll leave that discussion until a later date."

"I know you're talking about me!" Watanuki's voice carried loudly from the other room.

"We should probably go," Domeki commented, closing the door behind his guest.

"Yes," Yuko agreed, "Before he takes out his anger on my meal again..."

"What do you mean by that?" Domeki asked conversationally.

Yuko shook her head in disappointment, "The meal he made this afternoon was just awful. I was extremely traumatized."

"I didn't think that was possible... for Watanuki to make bad-tasting food."

"He must have been emotionally upset," Yuko shook her head in pity.

"More-so than usual?" Domeki asked.

"I heard that!" another shout from the other room.

"He has exceptional hearing," Yuko whispered to her companion.

"Too bad it's the only exceptional thing about him," Domeki replied.

"I think he'll surprise you," Yuko winked, "Besides.. You don't really believe that, do you?"

He left the question unanswered as the two joined Watanuki in the sitting room.

"Finally!" Watanuki grumbled, "You two are really slow... Can we get to the point now, please?"

"Certainly!" Yuko said cheerfully, "I just have a small, uncomplicated job for the two of you!"

"Why does it have to involve him?" Watanuki asked, motioning toward the archer.

"Oh... you'll find that out eventually..." was Yuko's cryptic response.

"Of course..."

A knock on the door sounded suddenly, and Domeki looked up in surprise.

"Well, go invite our guest inside, Domeki-kun," Yuko said.

Domeki complied, grumbling as he walked away, "You're inviting people to _my _house now?"

Watanuki smiled at Yuko, "You upset him! My hero!"

"Aren't you glad you came now, Watanuki?"

"Anything is worth seeing that jerk fall off of his high-horse."

"I'm so glad you feel that way.." Yuko responded.

A small cough interrupted their bonding, and the two turned to see Domeki and the newly arrived guest.

"Ah, Henta-san!" Yuko grinned, "It's so good to see you!"

She rushed over to a small, elderly man and gave him a quick hug.

"Ah, Yuko-san!" the old man exclaimed, pushing his glasses up his nose, "How wonderful to see you in such good health."

Yuko glowed at the compliment, "Thank you, Henta-san," she turned to the two awaiting boys, "These are Domeki-kun and Watanuki-kun. They will be the ones to help you with your... little problem."

"Pleased to meet you boys," the old man replied, "My name is Henta Yujiro. I'm so relieved to finally have found someone to help me those spirits!"

"Spirits?" Watanuki asked apprehensively.

"Why, yes... didn't Yuko-san tell you? They're chasing away all my customers and have practically taken over the place. You will help me get rid of them, won't you?"

"Of course..." Watanuki grumbled, his mind going back to Yuko's earlier warning.

A large smile spread across Henta's face, and he suddenly broke out into a jig, "Oh, happy days are here again!" he exclaimed, dancing around the room.

"What's he doing?" Domeki asked.

"Why, his happy jig, of course," Yuko responded.

* * *

"You work here?" Watanuki asked incredulously.

"Not only do I work here, my boy, I own it!"

"But it's..." Watanuki couldn't bring himself to utter the word.

"Strip club," Domeki finished for him, "The word you're looking for is strip club. Stop looking like a fish out of water."

"I know what it is!" Watanuki responded coldly, "and I don't look like a fish out of water. It's just... what are spirits doing here?"

"Well, most of the time, they're dancing," Henta replied casually while searching his pockets for the keys.

"Dancing?" Watanuki asked. He had a sudden mental picture of a transparent Himawari-chan gyrating against a pole...

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Domeki hit his companion on the head, "That's just disgusting."

"How do you know what I was thinking?" Watanuki asked angrily.

"That little bit a drool hanging off your chin..."

Watanuki promptly wiped an arm across his mouth, "Shut up..."

The old man finally managed to open the door, "OK, I'll leave you two boys to it now..."

"Wait, you mean you aren't coming with us?" Watanuki asked.

"And get molested by those spirits? Are you kidding me?" and Henta turned and walked away, waving an arm over his head. "Good luck!"

"Dirty old man.." Watanuki mumbled.

"Aren't you worried about the 'molesting' the old man mentioned?" Domeki asked.

"I don't sense anything evil..." Watanuki replied, "And I don't think there's really any harm going in there."

"Are we really supposed to trust _your _senses?" Domeki asked.

Watanuki had already stepped inside.

Domeki sighed, "I guess there's no going back now," and followed the moron inside.

"Um..." was about the most intelligent thing Watanuki could think to say at the sight before him.

"Are those... animals?" Domeki, for once, was just as stunned.

Inside the building was the typical set-up for a strip club. A long bar stood against the furthest wall to the left, with dusty stools sitting in front. The odd booth was placed around the room, seemingly at random, and a large stage with a catwalk took up the center of the room. Two poles extended from the stage to the ceiling, the metal still shining as though new. And, hanging upside down from each pole, were what appeared to be... dogs.

The dog closest to the door had short, curly hair and a long tail.

"A... poodle?" Watanuki could barely form the words.

The second dog had close-cropped, brown and black hair with short, spiky ears.

"And a... Doberman?" Domeki's voice echoed his friend's awe.

"And... what are they wearing?" Watanuki asked.

"Costumes..." Domeki replied, "Costumes for strippers."

Their surprise was cut short, however, as a voice bellowed from the stage, "Visitors! Girls, we have guests! Hurry, hurry, take care of our customers!"

And from the depths of the curtains came the fattest dog either boy had ever seen.

"I'm Lady Pug, and this is my establishment!" she cried, throwing her chubby arms out in either direction, "Welcome, welcome!"

"But..." Watanuki began, "Doesn't this place belong to Henta-san?"

"Oh, that old man is unfit to run this lovely place," Lady Pug replied, "He may have been my master while I was alive, but now I am able to run this place as it should be!"

"But... no one wants to see a dog strip..." Domeki commented, looking bored once more.

"Really?" Lady Pug asked, looking intrigued, "What type of animal do people enjoy watching?"

"Well..." Domeki replied, "Other people."

Her face contemplative, Lady Pug placed a paw against her many chins. "That does leave us with a problem..." she mumbled.

A few moments passed while Watanuki was still quite speechless, and Domeki was being served warmed sake by a nice schnauzer.

"I have it!" Lady Pug finally announced, "I have a solution!"

"Yes?"

"We'll have _him_ dance for you!" her paw reached out, pointing to a spot near Domeki.

"Him?" Domeki almost managed to hide his smirk.

Realizing that several eyes were upon him, Watanuki snapped out of his trance. "Me?" he asked, his voice small.

Not a second later, dogs descended upon the helpless Watanuki and began dragging him backstage.

"I hope this show will be to your satisfaction," Lady Pug said, bowing.

"Oh, I'm certain it will be," Domeki responded, "I'm certain I'll enjoy it immensely."

* * *

Bright lights suddenly lit up the stage. Domeki had been instructed to take a seat wherever he wished, and he chose a comfortable looking booth–right in the front.

Suddenly, a very uncomfortable-looking Watanuki stumbled on stage, as though he had been pushed.

And just as suddenly, all the blood left Domeki's head. He promptly placed a pillow over his lap.

Watanuki stood on stage in nothing but his socks and a top hat... strategically placed over his groin.

"I'm going to kill you, Domeki!" Watanuki cried.

"It's not my fault. You're a natural-born star," Domeki responded, feigning boredom.

Watanuki turned even redder–if that was possible.

"You! Dance for our honored guest!" came a shout from offstage.

"What!" Watanuki screamed, "Hell no!"

Domeki, deciding to finally take pity on his friend, casually said, "Whatever. I don't especially want to see that moron dance."

"I am not a moron!" Watanuki yelled, catching himself at the last moment before he began waving his arms around in emphasis.

"Whatever. Get off the stage," Domeki said.

"Fine, you jerk!" Watanuki turned to walk off, when suddenly a lewd whistle erupted from the audience. Realizing what he had done, Watanuki quickly removed the top hat to cover his retreating backside. Hurrying to leave the stage, he shouted, "Domeki, you asshole!"

Lady Pug quickly descended the stairs leading to the stage, "I am so sorry, Domeki-kun!" she said, "Your show was cut short. But what did you think of it so far?"

Domeki leaned back in the booth smirking, "I don't know... for an idiot, he sure has a nice ass."

* * *

Watanuki was strangely quiet on the walk home.

"What's wrong with you?" Domeki asked, "The job's done. Lady Pug realized there wasn't really a market for dog-strippers here. Yuko-san'll be happy."

Watanuki shot Domeki a dark glare, "What's wrong? I HAD TO GO OUT ON STAGE IN FRONT OF YOU AND A BUNCH OF DOGS IN NOTHING BUT A FRICKIN' TOP HAT!"

Domeki placed a finger in his ear, "I dunno.. You looked kinda cute to me."

Watanuki looked up in surprise, "You think so?"

"Yeah..." Domeki replied, "For an idiot."

"WHY WOULD I EVER THINK THAT YOU'D ACTUALLY COMPLIMENT ME FOR ONCE! WHY DO I EVEN CARE WHAT YOU THINK? YOU KNOW WHAT, GO TO HELL! I DON'T NEED THIS! I DON'T..."

Domeki watched as Watanuki stormed off into the sunset.

"Maybe, when I tell him the truth... I can get my hands on one of those top hats..."

* * *

Authors' Notes

Well, first thing... out takes!

1.) While writing this fic, I (Shooby) was typing, and though I can type quite quickly, I also make a lot of mistakes. So, after once silly little mistake... we suddenly had a whole conversation about a world with nothing but strip clubs.

"Strip club," Domeki finished for him, "The word you're looking for is strip club. Stop looking like a fish out of water."

I accidentally typed out, "Strip club. The world you're looking for is strip club."

And so, we began imagining a world that was exclusively a strip club. And although it would be quite embarrassing... we realized it would kinda fun, too. lecherous grin

Um.. OK, no more out takes... but we thought that was amusing enough to share.

So, as you can tell, this fic was authored by two people.

The first being lightdragon1987 (on and the second being me! Shooby (or LunarAlchemist, depending on the site).

Alrighty then.. How'd we come up with such a demented plot, you might ask? Well... first off, I'd just like to say that this, indeed, was a PLOT. Though it may, at times, seem as though this is extremely PWP and just two teenagers on crack, we really put a lot of thought into this.

We were actually in philosophy class, when I mentioned to lightdragon (hereon throughout to be called "Shan-chan") that my friend had been showing me some... well, slightly less than wholesome fanarts. And Shan-chan asked me to send her some, and I promptly started teasing her about her innocence and how they would corrupt her fragile mind.

And although Shan-chan hardly has a fragile mind, she somehow believed me, and became very indignant. So I challenged her.

I challenged her to draw (because she is a great artist) a picture of Watanuki in nothing but a top hat... and yes, I did specify that it should cover THAT area.

Well, after she drew this lovely picture, we came up with an idea for this fic, and decided to write it together.

END STORY!

Wasn't that fascinating?

Oh... and as for how we decided on the name: Henta Yujiro for the old pervert, well...

Shan-chan thought that we should call him "Hentai-san" but I found that to be too obvious... so I took out the "i." And as for Yujiro... well, that's the name of a dog in the manga Hana-Kimi. We thought that, basically calling the old man a "dog" was appropriate.

And so, if you've read the author's notes for this long.. Well... you have no life. But thank you for sticking with us this long!

Although Shan-chan has not yet created a deviantart account, this picture of Watanuki can be found on under the account "LunarAlchemist"

Hopefully Shan-chan will be bringing you more fanart in the future, and the two of us will write more stories together.

Until then... well...

Stop reading this. It's just too sad that you got all the way to the bottom.

But thanks!


End file.
